Kinsler: We deal with unidentified flying objects

A fly trap can readily be made from an ordinary 2-liter bottle. Cut the bottle across its shoulders (Figure 1) to divide it into a straight-sided vat and a funnel (see figure 2). Now remove the bottlecap from the funnel, invert the funnel, and stuff it into the vat. Then mix some honey or syrup with water and pour about an inch of this through the funnel. The flies are attracted to the syrup and thus journey through the funnel to the Death Chamber. They cannot find their way out through the narrow end of the funnel and, tiring, will drop into the syrup solution and drown.

Are you happy now, you murderer? You may pour out the bodies of your victims at any time, blissfully ignoring the repose of their tiny souls.

For about a week we have suffered from a Biblical plague of what appear to be very large houseflies. They're noisy but superb flyers, able to outwit a fly swatter wielded by the feared Natalie. "I made a direct hit on one in the kitchen," said she with great pride yesterday. But the post-combat reconnaissance team was unable to locate enemy casualties.

My own record of kills isn't so enviable, either. The problem there is that I hesitate in my swing for maybe a microsecond because deep in my little black heart lies a reluctance to kill much of anything, including flies.

So we've made one of the fly traps described above, and thus far it has trapped 0.00 flies. Natalie, who is far less sentimental regarding wildlife, has made improvements to the device, relocating it and increasing the syrup-to-water ratio and we'll construct another when we next assemble the materials. We previously determined that our tiny aeronauts are immune to Hot Shot Flying Insect Spray, so if the trap(s) don't work we're likely out of luck until fly season ends.

In the interest of scientific completeness, I finally bestirred myself to investigate our elusive friends. It turns out that they are probably "cluster flies," Pollenia rudi. They're harmless, and when they finally find their way outside they spend their time pollinating flowers.

Mark Kinsler, [email protected], lives with Natalie and our supervisory staff of stripey cats in a little house in Lancaster.